Bad Day: A Mood Piece

I will first begin with an apology. I had to break the experiment though I have been watching the episodes. I had some relatively inconvenient health issues arise and they took priority to this experiment. I had to take a couple of days off. I had a heat stroke. I’m feeling better everyday, but still have issues with fatigue, stuttering, coordination, and this constant feeling of electricity going through my body. I’m back on a good sleep schedule and actually plan on making up for the lost blogs this weekend. I know after Saturday night I will have plenty to write about. That is the evening my new short film Begin at the Beginning will premiere at the 2013 Knoxville 24 Hour Film Festival. I hope the audience is ready for some surrealist cinema. 

The episodes, and possibly my heat stroke, have my brain in a jumble of confusion. Lisa is officially dead on the series. This time around her death bothered me more than it did the first time I watched the series. Actually, I think her funeral made her a more sympathetic character to me this time around. Lisa truly was a generous and kind character. She was also crazy and delusional believing she had a connection with a man who never truly loved her. What’s a tragedy is that her death saved Nate from a life of unhappiness because Nate is too big of a chicken shit to admit to himself that a marriage cannot be based on just being nice and kind. Ironically, if I could write this message on a piece of paper, fold the paper into the shape of a boat, and send it out to the universe on the sea of life with a specific destination I would. However, I fear it wouldn’t matter. There are none as blind as those who refuse to see, I suppose. 

This being said it feels like so much is happening so quickly to these characters. Every episode reveals such dynamic change. David has lived through his horrific abduction. Brenda has screwed up yet another relationship. Claire has explored her sexuality and finally had an orgasm. Keith had sex with a 20-something female pop star. Ruth has remarried. Rico is now living with the Fisher’s because he was unfaithful to Vanessa. Then there was Lisa’s death. 

Watching the show lately feels like watching mice run through a maze searching for cheese. It made me wonder about motivation on a grand scale. Why do people effort to achieve? Like the mice scenario: Is it the smell of the cheese that keeps them going? That motivation would fall under Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs as one of every living thing’s primary physiological needs. We need food to survive. Is it need that motivates all of us? 

What baffles me these days is how people and the characters seem to land where they need to be. I watch the universe and in my opinion, the universe is one hell of a writer. Over the last year I have had some fantastic plot lines. And because the universe is such a badass writer it has written me in a lot of conflict based on formulaic patterns my character has developed. Maybe if I look at my life this way it will seem less painful. Maybe it makes me sound crazy, but I’m disassociating myself from my feelings right now. At this moment I feel foolish for believing that people can change. I am annoyed that I forgave someone for lying to me and treating me so poorly only to have this person lie to me and treat me poorly again. I feel manipulated, betrayed, and worthless. I put my entire self on an emotional chopping block and only have a broken heart to show for it. Honestly, that is as deep as I can go into this without becoming incredibly bitter--and I hate bitterness. The people who know me will understand. The rest of you can speculate or create your own stories. I do love to hear a good story.

I’m trying to believe the universe has a plan for me, but right now it’s difficult for me to stay focused and I really just want to crawl into a place of my own where I can create art, cook, read, listen to music, and write until I can handle really being around people again. Right now I’m not feeling social, which is odd because I’m in the midst of a time where I am having to be incredibly social. 

I guess I should be grateful I have the entire summer off. It’s been stressful to not have a steady income and is truly fucking with the sense of independence I have so strived for. I’m trying to have faith, but right now that faith feels broken. I’m reaching deep inside to reserves of strength I know are there...that I do have faith in. I’m also trying to find great pleasure in something everyday. 

Today my friend Gary asked me if I got my birthday present from him. I had not. He told me he sent me a gift card from Amazon via email and after poking around my email I found it in my junk mailbox. This made me so happy I wept at McDonald’s while eating French fries. It wasn’t the amount of money on the card that got to me; it was the thought behind it. It was the idea that this wonderful man with the ability to give the greatest hugs a person could ever receive, who reminds me so much of my father, and who I have spent a grand total of about 20 days around, loves me for being me and took time out of his life to do something so kind for me. 

God, I wish I were such a better friend. I wish I could manage my friendships more effectively. I wish people didn’t genuinely freak me out. More than anything I wish people didn’t make themselves so unlovable in the guise of their own personal pursuits. In the long run none of it fucking matters. We all die. Why can’t we all truly live while we are alive? I wish people weren’t so afraid. I wish I were not so afraid. I’m working on that. I’ll work on it more when my brain feels less scrambled. 

Maybe I’m just too William Foster in the movie Falling Down. I don’t want to believe that is the case, because that makes me the bad guy and nobody wants to be the bad guy. Maybe if I take a nap I’ll feel differently about all of this later. 

Like Mother, Like Daughter

Claire gets an abortion in the 6FU episode Twilight, which was on today’s viewing list. Watching the episode this time around, I realized the shared experience implied between Claire and her mother Ruth through pregnancy . But it also demonstrates the two women’s disconnect with each other. Ruth and Claire have a discussion during this Season Three where Ruth confesses she got pregnant with Claire’s older brother Nate outside of marriage when she was Claire’s age. Claire gets pregnant young and out of wedlock like her mother, but unlike her mother she chooses to end the pregnancy. Ruth and Claire have a complicated relationship, but what mother and daughter don’t have a complicated relationship...good or bad?

My mother came from Northeast Texas to visit me this year on my birthday, which also happened to fall on Mother’s Day. I was incredibly excited, because my mother had only visited me twice since I moved to Knoxville. She visited about 15 years ago and then again about 10 years ago. I had convinced myself that she would never visit me again. It had become a topic I joked about with my friends.

Honestly, I've been a tad jealous of the attention I feel my brother gets from my mother. She has gone to visit him a lot. (I must admit, he has also supplied Mother with a tribe of grandchildren, while I have just this year given her the privilege of being “Nonna” to her sweet little grandpug.) I envy the connection my brother and my mother seem to have. They are so emotionally, intellectually, and even physically alike. Taking us at face value, I look like my mother, but at my core I am my father. My brother, who appears to be my father on the surface, is actually my mother at his core. So they have this core connection with each other. When my father died at 40 before I turned 20, I saw my chance to have that sort of core connection with a parent pass me by.

I’m not whining about the relationship I have with my mother. I don’t want anyone’s pity. It’s not horrible. I just never felt like we always got each other. My mother and my brother have that Gemini/Sagittarius connection. I’m a Taurus. For those who know astrology you will understand the astrological humor in this familial triangle: My father was a Virgo--another Earth sign like myself. That would have been nice to have in my life, especially now that I’m mature enough to appreciate who my father was. To add insult to injury, my stepmother and my stepfather are Gemini as well. I used to joke with my friends that the joy of living with Gemini is that every week, when my mother completely rearranged all the furniture in the house, it was like living in The Matrix. One of the positives of having so many Gemini in my life is that I am one of the few Taureans I know who can handle change. I’m not saying I can handle it well, but I handle it better than most Taurus folk, who dig their bullish hooves in the ground and refuse to budge. 

I was nervous about her visit. I often feel tense when I think about spending time with my mother. Maybe it’s just that I want her to be happy. Maybe it’s because she's always been blond and beautiful, and I feel I have never lived up to half her beauty.  Maybe I secretly need her approval. I have no idea…that’s for my therapist and me to work through. I often think it has to do with this sense I have that I just don’t fit. Honestly, it’s not just that I feel I don’t fit in with my family. I have never felt like I fit anywhere--emotionally or physically. 

To help explain how much I don’t fit in, and what that feels like, I'll share one of my favorite stories about not fitting in. It involves my best friend Mike, who is a principal member of my Knoxville family I have created for myself. I had just become friends with Mike and had declared him my best friend, hoping the idea would become like a meme and go viral. We were hanging out at this incredibly crowded Mexican food restaurant during the 2010 Gatlinburg FIlm Festival. Mike had just ordered a beer and put it on the corner of a table, where I promptly knocked it off with my elbow. I felt so awkward and embarrassed and offered to buy him another beer. Phillip went to the bar to get him another beer for me because he was closer and there were so many people in the place that it was nearly impossible to move. To finish this story I need to explain that Mike is 6 foot 5 inches tall. I looked at Mike, who was stooped over listening to me, and apologized. I told him that one day I just hoped to fit into this world physically and emotionally. As the sentence escaped my lips he stood straight up and said, “I know exactly what you...” Before he could finish his thought he had collided scalp first with a light fixture that was hanging from the ceiling. It is a moment in my life I will never forget. Isn’t it great when you truly identify a kindred spirit?

Mom's visit was lovely. I now feel a stronger connection with my mother. Maybe it’s that I’m not a little girl anymore. Maybe it’s because we were in Knoxville and I had the home field advantage. Or maybe it’s that I have created a family of friends of my own. Whatever it is, I have to admit that I finally feel that my mother and I are good with each other. I could be calm in front of her. I had such good moments with her. I enjoyed her spirit and how she danced without fear of judgement in the middle of Market Square during the Farmers Market while the gentlemen who plays the saxophone blew her a special melody that reminded him of his time in Dallas. 

She can talk to anyone. We share that. We both can talk to just about anyone. And we both have this aura or something that draws people to us who need to tell their stories to someone else. I once had a strange man at a Shoney’s stand next to me at the breakfast buffet and tell me about his prostate cancer. After 35 minutes of his monologuing I hugged him before he joined the others at his table. I sat down next to my old fiance and dear friend today, who asked me if I knew the man. “No,” I said, “I’ve never seen him before in my life.” 

My mother and I may not share the core connection she has with my brother, but I realized during her visit that we do get each other. After all, she is my mother. She has been patient with me in our differences. One of her favorite stories to tell about me revolves around my need to be fiercely independent. My first day of kindergarten my mother walked with me to the steps of the red brick elementary school building. As the rest of the children walked hand-in-hand up the steps with their mothers or fathers, I dug my little bovine heals into the sidewalk. I tilted my head up at my beautiful, blond, 25 year old mother and announced to her that I did not need her to take me to my class. I could get to my class on my own. Honestly, I barely remember this…but I do remember always feeling more mature than I really was and always wanting to prove I didn’t need anyone’s help. 

When she tells the story now, she mentions that it was a difficult moment for her. I’m her oldest child and the first day of school is one of the pivotal “letting go” experiences for a parent. In this moment my mother made a choice that I believe defined me as an individual. She let me climb the long flight of concrete stairs leading up to Lindbergh Elementary School and walk to my class all by myself. She didn’t argue. She didn’t veto my need to be independent. She let me make my own path. And though the only experience I have raising children was being a part-time caregiver for my niece for several years, I believe that was not an easy decision for my young mother to make. But it is one I am grateful to this day that she made. I believe it was the open door to my strength and bravery.

So thank you, Mom, for letting me find my own way. 

My mother and me

Ruth and Claire 

It’s All About Timing

Today’s episodes were ones I’d forgotten. Honestly, repressing them has to do mostly with the character Lisa, whom I find annoying; she’s so delusional.  She reminds me of so many of the Earth mother goddess women in my generation who don’t want to be on the surface, and so tried to go “deeper,” and somehow they just made "deeper" the surface. It was also hard watching today’s episode because I’m exhausted. 

In the third episode today, Timing and Space, Brenda’s father dies. It is one of my favorite episodes because there seems to be so much kindness revealed in many of the characters--especially some of the characters who seem to lack empathy. In this episode Brenda’s mother has her most genuine and loving moment as a mother in the entire series. She says, “You've never felt so much like my children before. Having your father around always took the edge off that sensation, I think. But I look at you both now, and you're both so mine. When you were little children, Bren, you used to start everything you said to us with an ‘And’ or a ‘But’. You'd say, ‘And Mom, Can we go to the store?' or 'But Dad, when we were talking before, you said’. You always started with a conjunction like that, and then Billy, when you started talking, you did the same thing. He learned that from you, Bren.  Your father used to say, living with you two was like listening to the longest sentence in the history of the universe. And now there's no one to hear it but me.” I believe it is one of Margaret's very few appealing moments. Her blatant honesty, sexuality, and unapologetic intelligence often make her unappealing. 

Also in this episode Brenda has a conversation with Nate after her father’s funeral that is still haunting me as I type. The two ex-lovers discuss what they took from their relationship with each other. It haunts me because it is a conversation I had almost down to the letter with my ex-boyfriend about a month ago. 

EXT. CLIFF EDGE - DAY

Brenda and Nate continue to talk.

BRENDA

Watching him die.

NATE

Yeah.

BRENDA

Was like watching somebody get washed out to sea, only they're sitting right there in bed.  A wave comes, takes them a little away.  Another wave comes, takes them a little away.  Every wave is a day.  Little by little, off they-- off they go.  Can I tell you something?  

NATE

Sure.

BRENDA

I don't want to put you in a weird position.

NATE

I'm already in a weird position. I live my whole life in a weird position.

BRENDA

I missed you. Through this.  

NATE

I missed you too. I mean, it's not like I don't know how much being with you changed me.  How much you woke me up as a person. I wouldn't be who I am today if I'd never met you. I certainly wouldn't floss every day, that's for sure.

BRENDA

You've been keeping up with that?

NATE

After every meal.  

Brenda inhales, long sigh.

BRENDA

You changed me too.  

NATE

Yeah, how so?

BRENDA

You're the first person I've lost, where it really cost me something.  That's why I haven't been with anyone since.

NATE

No one?

BRENDA

It's too scary, that I'll go screwing it all up again.

NATE

Yeah, you'll find somebody.

BRENDA

That is so not the answer. You know what I think?

NATE

About what?

BRENDA

I don't know, about life.

NATE

What?

BRENDA

I think it's all about timing. I think timing is everything.

NATE

I think you might be right.

Like Brenda I believe timing is everything. However, I’m not going to write about my ex-boyfriend at this point. That’s just too fucking much for me emotionally right now. Like I said, I’m exhausted. But I am going to write about the device of the ticking clock.

I participated in the 2013 Knoxville 24 Hour Film Festival short film competition this weekend. The goal of the competition is to create a 4 minute film from concept to completion in 24 hours. It must be written, shot, edited, and turned in 24 hours from the announced time. To keep the 30 registered teams honest, a series of elements are required in the submitted films. This year the organizers went out of their way to insure that there was nothing shady with any of the registered teams' films. There was some issue with one of the films from last year and whether or not any of the footage was pre-recorded. Because of that, this year’s elements read like an instruction manual written by Doctor Seuss. 

First rule was that we had to slate every single location we shot with a special graphic supplied by the contest organizers the day of the contest. The second factor was that there had to be several elements included in the films. This year all of the elements had to occur at certain points in the film. Each year there is a required character, line of dialogue, and visual image. This year the character was a bounty hunter who had to appear by a large natural body of water within the first 30 seconds of the film. The line of dialogue “So there I was, minding my own business...” had to happen 30 seconds before the final element, which was the same bounty hunter somehow interacting with fire.

I really disliked needing to use the bounty hunter character. I was fine with the rest of it, but that freaking bounty hunter made me cringe. Immediately I knew that my bounty hunter was NOT going to be male. I hate stereotypes, and I was annoyed that my only concept of a bounty hunter is Dog the Bounty Hunter. That is just not me and never will be. 

I don’t want to reveal too much about my short for the festival, except to say that with about 24 more hours it could have been brilliant. As it is, I like it. It is very personal to me. I think I know how people will respond to it. But, most of all, it is an entire 180 degrees from what I did last year. Last year I turned in a very stagey short comedy about a plus size woman who talks her older homosexual male friend into having a baby with her. The screenplay was one of the three nominees for best story/screenplay. I didn’t win, but considering it was the very first film I ever produced, I was thrilled to be nominated. 

It is baffling to me to think that I have only been making films for a year. Each experience has been more interesting, educational, and rewarding than the last. I went from being nominated to producing a film that won a best supporting actor award, to doing a fake exploitation film trailer that won me an award for best performance, and finally the last film I produced won best cinematography and was one of the five films nominated for best film at the Fifty-four Film Festival. I feel that is a good first year for any filmmaker. But that being said, I did feel some pressure to produce something sensational for this year’s 24 Hour Film Festival. Ten minutes into the competition, I let go of that need. I think part of what makes me appealing to the people who like my work is that I’m not trying to really please anyone. Yeah, I want people to appreciate it for its value, but I’m not going to let go of what is innately me in the process. 

Honestly, I had not planned on doing this festival this year. It has been a long, exhausting year of filmmaking for me. I was ready for a break. But I decided to put my hat in the race when I heard there were only 3 or 4 female-led teams out of the 30 teams, and my experience with this festival is that the films are very... male-centric. (That is the most polite way to put it.) In 2011, the first year I attended the festival, after viewing all the entries I nicknamed it the 2011 Knoxville 24 Hour Kill a Bitch Film Festival. I may be wrong, but I seem to recall all but one of the films featuring the murder of a female character. To be fair, it wasn’t the murder or violence that bothered me. Hell, I love a good violent story. Rather, it was these filmmakers’ need to kill a female character in order to propel the male characters through their stories. Each murder really had nothing to do with the person being murdered. The murder of such a character is just a device to emotionally manipulate/motivate one or more male characters into action.  In my opinion, that’s just weak-ass writing. (But what do I know? I just teach writing for a living.)

This being said, I love this festival. I love its organizers. I appreciate the opportunities it provides for people like myself who are emerging in the film world and need an audience to test our work. And the organizers have, over the last couple of years, made an effort to be more inclusive of female filmmakers. Last year the festival had 7 teams that were led by women. It was a good thing. It gave the festival an injection of feminine perspective. It also encouraged me to begin the group Wifi:Knoxville (Women in the Film Industry: Knoxville). The group now has nearly 300 members. 

This year on June 10 Wifi:Knoxville is co-hosting a panel of female and female-friendly filmmakers to speak during the festival. In my opinion this is incredible progress, and what pushed me into doing the festival this year. And if you live in East Tennessee, and especially if you are a woman interested in making or participating in film, come out June 15 to the Bijou Theatre for the 2013 Knoxville 24 Hour Film Festival and enjoy some short films produced by local talent.  There is a lot of talent in this community and there will be some interesting work on display.

Fate

How will my Six Feet Under experiment end?

The card not shown but at the center of the cross, represents the atmosphere surrounding the central issue. 
Eight of Pentacles (Prudence): Dedicating yourself fully to a task. Learning a new craft or skill. Applying painstaking attention to detail. Industriousness and the efficient completion of tasks. Sticking with a project long enough to see it through.

The card visible at the center of the cross represents the obstacle that stands in your way - it may even be something that sounds good but is not actually to your benefit. 
Seven of Pentacles (Assessment), when reversed: Labors abandoned before completion. Impatience, lack of effort, and the wasting of time. Idle and unprofitable speculation.

The card at the top of the cross represents your goal, or the best you can achieve without a dramatic change of priorities. 
Justice: The achievement of balance and inner harmony after a great trial. Agreements, contracts, or treaties concluded justly. Things set to rights. Karma restored. A turn for the better in legal matters

The card at the bottom of the cross represents the foundation on which the situation is based.
 Six of Cups (Pleasure), when reversed: Closing your heart to the simple pleasures of life. Escaping realities by living in the past. Refusal to grow up and embrace the joys of adulthood. Contempt for acts of gentle kindness. May indicate immaturity or sexual insecurities. May indicate the departure of an old friend.

The card at the left of the cross represents a passing influence or something to be released. 
Four of Swords (Truce), when reversed: Restlessness and mental disharmony. Deserting a struggle in progress. A temporary retreat from stress that turns into a permanent rout. A lack of vigilance that could lead to disaster.


The card at the right of the cross represents an approaching influence or something to be embraced. 
The Hanged Man: Pausing to reflect. Surrendering to an experience. Adjusting to new ideas through sacrifice. Opening oneself to intuition and enhanced awareness. Letting go of past patterns and growing beyond them. Inner peace, faith, and serenity.

The card at the base of the staff represents your role or attitude. 
King of Pentacles, when reversed: The dark essence of earth behaving as air, such as a diamond: An unyielding businessman, with a gift for identifying weakness and exploiting it for personal gain. One well informed about material affairs, but ignorant of larger, more pressing issues. A blind devotee of business as usual, unconcerned with the unintended results, and contemptuous of new ideas. A person full of greed and avarice, easily corrupted by luxury or the temptations of the flesh.

The card second from the bottom of the staff represents your environment and the people you are interacting with.
The World, when reversed: Incompleteness and shoddy design. A great work betrayed. Insecurity, fear of change, and the failure to reach goals. Regret and disappointment.

The card second from the top of the staff represents your hopes, fears, or an unexpected element that will come into play. 
Wheel of Fortune: The path of destiny. Karma on a grand scale. An unexpected turn of good fortune. A link in the chain of events. Success, luck, and happiness.

The card at the top of the staff represents the ultimate outcome should you continue on this course. 
Five of Swords (Defeat), when reversed: Refusing to achieve success through personal degradation. Friendship maintained through the abandonment of a dishonorable gain. Slander and infamy avoided.

A Real Moment

“I don’t want to be one of those people who walks around in pain all the time.” ~ Brenda Chenowith

I’m dealing with anger today because I’m really sick and I have way too much to do this weekend. So, here’s a short blog. A very short blog. Tonight I’m going to take enough NyQuil to knock out an adult circus elephant. No, I will not be answering my phone, IMs, or emails tonight. Sorry. I’m going to take care of me. I need to do that. This is my moment of reality. 

Tomorrow is another day. Thanks for following my blog, and please keep following the rest of my 6FU blogs. I’m grateful to each of you. And, I feel the universe opening up for me. 

Oh, I received a very long email from an old friend--one I have mentioned in previous blogs--that I’m going to fully devour tomorrow morning when I'm rested and can fully enjoy it.  She is the woman I shared a home with the first Summer I worked with Smoky Mountain Tunes and Tales. I’m glad she wrote to me...I have been so curious about her life. She’s an amazingly talented young woman. More on that in later blogs. 

Also, I’m going to do two projects with this blog. First, I want people who read the blog to write their own obituaries if they died in 2005. Also, I’d like for readers to write down stories of their experiences with death. I’m going to publish them on the page the week after next. 

Much love. Peace out. 

The Liar and the Whore

Today I am exhausted... so I’m writing a pastiche of the William Carlos Williams poem “The Red Wheelbarrow” based on the 6FU episode The Liar and the Whore.  

The Liar and the Whore

nothing I said

was

a bold-faced

lie 

drenched in obvious

deceit

wrapped in these 

bedsheets

Love: The Utter Folly of It (A short play based on 6FU episodes A Place of Anger and Back to the Garden)

Characters

Her: A woman 

Him: A man

Her and Him talk on the phone.

HER: Hey, do you believe in soul mates? It's a Six Feet Under thing. I'm thinking about writing about soul mates. Rabbi Ari is discussing soul mates with Nate.

HIM: I used to believe in that stuff, but as I get older, I don't. I think it's what young, idealistic lovers tell one another--

HER: --I'm watching the episode where the guy accidentally chokes while masturbating--

HIM: --Well... here's what I mean--

HER: --Then, what do you believe in--

HIM: I hear men/women use the excuse "I think it's meant to be" whenever there's a hiccup or break-up in a relationship. Using the "meant to be" argument or "she's my soul mate" argument just sounds to me the same way Christianity would sound to you. Does that make sense? I would've argued that my ex was my Soul Mate years ago, and nothing you can tell me would change it. But I know that's not the case. At all. But, our friendship was deep, but sex ruined it, unfortunately. Or, something. Who knows, really?

HER: I'm not sure, but I think I get what you are saying.

HIM: It's a fairy tale. That's all.

HER: I think that's the problem. I believe in soul mates, but I don't believe in it as a romantic notion.

HIM: Women were raised to believe in fairy tales. And men, who have been emasculated over the past 20 years, are now using--and believing--the same verbiage. And the fact is, ANY relationship needs work. Fairy tales don't exist. 

HER: Yes, but only certain relationships encourage the people to grow as individuals.

HIM: I would hope that people grow as an individual whether they were in a relationship or not. Which sounds oxymoronic. 

HER: Some people do not grow as people in relationships. And, some relationships do not encourage growth.

HIM: Unfortunately, a lot of people don't. And, when those people who don’t want to change and grow meet each other that's where the "Soul Mate" argument falls apart. To a degree.

HER: I think people think all growth feels good. Some growth is painful.

HIM: Yeah. It is. Growth can be moving on from a relationship--friend or lover--or the loss of a loved one. That can be extremely painful.

HER: I do believe there are people who are just karmically in tune, but there is a choice to the mate factor. The problem is when part of it doesn't work out.

HIM: Correct.

HER: It's a lot of alchemy.

HIM: And common sense. And communication.

HER: Yes, but even deeper.

HIM: True, but I think you have to have those things for it to GO deeper--

HER: --I think there is great potential for love that is blinded by biology and physical attraction--

HIM: --In my experience, that is. But, you have to have physical attraction for love to be taken to the next level. Perhaps you're speaking more on a friend/confidante level, but I'm meaning romance. Which is where I believe the fairy tale has ruined a lot of it. And the more general term of "Soul Mate."

HER: No, I'm speaking beyond friendship, but not of romantic love. I believe that is where the mistakes are made. There is something else. And, it has nothing to do with romance.

HIM: I get it, but the term Soul Mate is generally thought of--by the Hoi Polloi--in romantic terms.

HER: It has to do with longevity.

HIM: Perhaps this is what you blog about? This is a good discussion that you could post.

HER: I think that is where I'm going to go...yes.

HIM: You should.

HER: That's why I asked...

HIM: Me? I'm not really a soul mate person. You click or you don't. Pretty simple. 

HER: I guess...

(Long pause)

HIM: I still wonder if in my last relationship I did it wrong. But, her later actions made me realize I was correct to be cautious.

HER: You probably weren't perfect, but you were not to blame for what happened. You loved her and you didn't cheat on her. You did the best you could with the knowledge and experience you had at the time. And, you loved her. All of that is admirable.

HIM: No, I didn't. And yes, I did. I didn't tell her, mostly because she was separated and still married ...I was scared of that. Guess I had every right to be.

HER: Wow... I had no idea, but I get it.

Well, my foot tastes like shit.

(Pause)
I still hate that she hurt you, but I still see so much love in you, and for that I'm grateful as your friend...that she didn't completely destroy you.

HIM: No, I never got into details. She also couldn't take my honesty.

HER: Most people can't take honesty.

HIM: When I tried to talk to her as my girlfriend and confidante, she didn't like it. I've told you about that. She later brought it up by telling me I was a "sad person.” But, she was right. I was sad. Totally unfulfilled in my life.

HER: Yeah, how she made you feel bad for being vulnerable.

HIM: Exactly.

HER: I never forgot it because it broke my heart.

HIM: She, of all people, I thought I could trust.

HER: Because to me that is the definition of love. Being able to be vulnerable in front of someone. I get a sense she needed you to be "the strong silent type."

HIM: Perhaps. I dunno... who knows?

HER: And, if that is what she wants she will never be happy. She's creating herself.

HIM: I hope she's grown up some. For her own sake.

HER: You, however, knew her before she created who she is now. 

HIM: True.

HER: And, that would suck for you.

HIM: Who knows where her head is these days? 

HER: I imagine it makes you question what was ever real about her.

HIM: It makes me question a lot of things. About her and myself.

HER: I get it. It fucks with your sense of knowing.

HIM: Correct.

HER: Which is a very personal thing.

HIM: I don't want to ruin a future relationship because of one bad experience from the past.

HER: You are too smart to do that.

HIM: Well, define smart?

HER: You learn from your mistakes and the mistakes of others. Hell, you LEARN.

HIM: Let me put it this way: What, exactly, was I supposed to learn from that experience? 

(Pause)

There's numerous answers, but I don't know the correct one.

HER: Maybe all those answers are the correct answer.

(Pause)

Hell, you learned how strong you are. You learned who your true friends are.

HIM: I even made new ones, yes. People who I thought were friends abandoned me while new people supported me. 

HER: Exactly. (Pause)

You learned about your own honesty. You learned what was important...
You learned a lot. You learned you are not alone. 

HIM: I get the bigger picture, yes. And that's important. But does one allow themselves to be vulnerable the next time, or to play your cards--smartly--close to the chest?

HER: You just do what you do.

HIM: And that's what scares me.

HER: Never play your cards too close to your chest. And, don't be scared.

HIM: Scared is the wrong term, but you know what I mean.

HER: Yeah, I know what you mean. Don’t be whatever you mean. 

HIM: (He laughs) Right.

HER: You just have to figure out what you want.

HIM: True

HER: I honestly believe that is all you need to do. You are more open to love than you realize. And, you are very loved. You know you don't want another woman like your ex, but beyond that you are unclear on what you want.

HIM: Three times a week by VARIOUS BITCHES! YEAH! (Pause)

Ahem....

HER: (Long pause...she laughs) Yes, and that's great.

HIM: I don't wish my ex on anyone. Even to this day, though... it's still very hard to trash her.

HER: Yes, because you have a huge and loving heart. Besides, you don't need to. You have a harem of bitches who love you that will trash her for you.

(Pause)
Hell, at this point I'm not sure what I'd do if I met your ex.

HIM: Right. It's why I never wanted to meet your ex.

HER: Actually, I think I'd be kind to her and tell her how absolutely amazing you are and how happy you are.

HIM: I'm sure it'll happen one day--I’ll run into her. 

HER: Her inability to be true to herself will fuck her world up more than I ever could. Karma will get her. And, after karma is done with her I’ll eat her for lunch.

(Long pause)

HIM: I know you would...Thanks for listening. 

HER: I would eat her for lunch, you know? 

HIM: I know. 

For those who are really listening and with me. Thank you...