I will first begin with an apology. I had to break the experiment though I have been watching the episodes. I had some relatively inconvenient health issues arise and they took priority to this experiment. I had to take a couple of days off. I had a heat stroke. I’m feeling better everyday, but still have issues with fatigue, stuttering, coordination, and this constant feeling of electricity going through my body. I’m back on a good sleep schedule and actually plan on making up for the lost blogs this weekend. I know after Saturday night I will have plenty to write about. That is the evening my new short film Begin at the Beginning will premiere at the 2013 Knoxville 24 Hour Film Festival. I hope the audience is ready for some surrealist cinema.
The episodes, and possibly my heat stroke, have my brain in a jumble of confusion. Lisa is officially dead on the series. This time around her death bothered me more than it did the first time I watched the series. Actually, I think her funeral made her a more sympathetic character to me this time around. Lisa truly was a generous and kind character. She was also crazy and delusional believing she had a connection with a man who never truly loved her. What’s a tragedy is that her death saved Nate from a life of unhappiness because Nate is too big of a chicken shit to admit to himself that a marriage cannot be based on just being nice and kind. Ironically, if I could write this message on a piece of paper, fold the paper into the shape of a boat, and send it out to the universe on the sea of life with a specific destination I would. However, I fear it wouldn’t matter. There are none as blind as those who refuse to see, I suppose.
This being said it feels like so much is happening so quickly to these characters. Every episode reveals such dynamic change. David has lived through his horrific abduction. Brenda has screwed up yet another relationship. Claire has explored her sexuality and finally had an orgasm. Keith had sex with a 20-something female pop star. Ruth has remarried. Rico is now living with the Fisher’s because he was unfaithful to Vanessa. Then there was Lisa’s death.
Watching the show lately feels like watching mice run through a maze searching for cheese. It made me wonder about motivation on a grand scale. Why do people effort to achieve? Like the mice scenario: Is it the smell of the cheese that keeps them going? That motivation would fall under Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs as one of every living thing’s primary physiological needs. We need food to survive. Is it need that motivates all of us?
What baffles me these days is how people and the characters seem to land where they need to be. I watch the universe and in my opinion, the universe is one hell of a writer. Over the last year I have had some fantastic plot lines. And because the universe is such a badass writer it has written me in a lot of conflict based on formulaic patterns my character has developed. Maybe if I look at my life this way it will seem less painful. Maybe it makes me sound crazy, but I’m disassociating myself from my feelings right now. At this moment I feel foolish for believing that people can change. I am annoyed that I forgave someone for lying to me and treating me so poorly only to have this person lie to me and treat me poorly again. I feel manipulated, betrayed, and worthless. I put my entire self on an emotional chopping block and only have a broken heart to show for it. Honestly, that is as deep as I can go into this without becoming incredibly bitter--and I hate bitterness. The people who know me will understand. The rest of you can speculate or create your own stories. I do love to hear a good story.
I’m trying to believe the universe has a plan for me, but right now it’s difficult for me to stay focused and I really just want to crawl into a place of my own where I can create art, cook, read, listen to music, and write until I can handle really being around people again. Right now I’m not feeling social, which is odd because I’m in the midst of a time where I am having to be incredibly social.
I guess I should be grateful I have the entire summer off. It’s been stressful to not have a steady income and is truly fucking with the sense of independence I have so strived for. I’m trying to have faith, but right now that faith feels broken. I’m reaching deep inside to reserves of strength I know are there...that I do have faith in. I’m also trying to find great pleasure in something everyday.
Today my friend Gary asked me if I got my birthday present from him. I had not. He told me he sent me a gift card from Amazon via email and after poking around my email I found it in my junk mailbox. This made me so happy I wept at McDonald’s while eating French fries. It wasn’t the amount of money on the card that got to me; it was the thought behind it. It was the idea that this wonderful man with the ability to give the greatest hugs a person could ever receive, who reminds me so much of my father, and who I have spent a grand total of about 20 days around, loves me for being me and took time out of his life to do something so kind for me.
God, I wish I were such a better friend. I wish I could manage my friendships more effectively. I wish people didn’t genuinely freak me out. More than anything I wish people didn’t make themselves so unlovable in the guise of their own personal pursuits. In the long run none of it fucking matters. We all die. Why can’t we all truly live while we are alive? I wish people weren’t so afraid. I wish I were not so afraid. I’m working on that. I’ll work on it more when my brain feels less scrambled.
Maybe I’m just too William Foster in the movie Falling Down. I don’t want to believe that is the case, because that makes me the bad guy and nobody wants to be the bad guy. Maybe if I take a nap I’ll feel differently about all of this later.
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