The card not shown but at the center of the cross, represents the atmosphere surrounding the central issue. Eight of Pentacles (Prudence): Dedicating yourself fully to a task. Learning a new craft or skill. Applying painstaking attention to detail. Industriousness and the efficient completion of tasks. Sticking with a project long enough to see it through. The card visible at the center of the cross represents the obstacle that stands in your way - it may even be something that sounds good but is not actually to your benefit. Seven of Pentacles (Assessment), when reversed: Labors abandoned before completion. Impatience, lack of effort, and the wasting of time. Idle and unprofitable speculation. The card at the top of the cross represents your goal, or the best you can achieve without a dramatic change of priorities. Justice: The achievement of balance and inner harmony after a great trial. Agreements, contracts, or treaties concluded justly. Things set to rights. Karma restored. A turn for the better in legal matters The card at the bottom of the cross represents the foundation on which the situation is based. Six of Cups (Pleasure), when reversed: Closing your heart to the simple pleasures of life. Escaping realities by living in the past. Refusal to grow up and embrace the joys of adulthood. Contempt for acts of gentle kindness. May indicate immaturity or sexual insecurities. May indicate the departure of an old friend. The card at the left of the cross represents a passing influence or something to be released. Four of Swords (Truce), when reversed: Restlessness and mental disharmony. Deserting a struggle in progress. A temporary retreat from stress that turns into a permanent rout. A lack of vigilance that could lead to disaster.
The card at the right of the cross represents an approaching influence or something to be embraced. The Hanged Man: Pausing to reflect. Surrendering to an experience. Adjusting to new ideas through sacrifice. Opening oneself to intuition and enhanced awareness. Letting go of past patterns and growing beyond them. Inner peace, faith, and serenity. The card at the base of the staff represents your role or attitude. King of Pentacles, when reversed: The dark essence of earth behaving as air, such as a diamond: An unyielding businessman, with a gift for identifying weakness and exploiting it for personal gain. One well informed about material affairs, but ignorant of larger, more pressing issues. A blind devotee of business as usual, unconcerned with the unintended results, and contemptuous of new ideas. A person full of greed and avarice, easily corrupted by luxury or the temptations of the flesh. The card second from the bottom of the staff represents your environment and the people you are interacting with. The World, when reversed: Incompleteness and shoddy design. A great work betrayed. Insecurity, fear of change, and the failure to reach goals. Regret and disappointment. The card second from the top of the staff represents your hopes, fears, or an unexpected element that will come into play. Wheel of Fortune: The path of destiny. Karma on a grand scale. An unexpected turn of good fortune. A link in the chain of events. Success, luck, and happiness. The card at the top of the staff represents the ultimate outcome should you continue on this course. Five of Swords (Defeat), when reversed: Refusing to achieve success through personal degradation. Friendship maintained through the abandonment of a dishonorable gain. Slander and infamy avoided.
“I don’t want to be one of those people who walks around in pain all the time.” ~ Brenda Chenowith
I’m dealing with anger today because I’m really sick and I have way too much to do this weekend. So, here’s a short blog. A very short blog. Tonight I’m going to take enough NyQuil to knock out an adult circus elephant. No, I will not be answering my phone, IMs, or emails tonight. Sorry. I’m going to take care of me. I need to do that. This is my moment of reality.
Tomorrow is another day. Thanks for following my blog, and please keep following the rest of my 6FU blogs. I’m grateful to each of you. And, I feel the universe opening up for me.
Oh, I received a very long email from an old friend--one I have mentioned in previous blogs--that I’m going to fully devour tomorrow morning when I'm rested and can fully enjoy it. She is the woman I shared a home with the first Summer I worked with Smoky Mountain Tunes and Tales. I’m glad she wrote to me...I have been so curious about her life. She’s an amazingly talented young woman. More on that in later blogs.
Also, I’m going to do two projects with this blog. First, I want people who read the blog to write their own obituaries if they died in 2005. Also, I’d like for readers to write down stories of their experiences with death. I’m going to publish them on the page the week after next.
Today I am exhausted... so I’m writing a pastiche of the William Carlos Williams poem “The Red Wheelbarrow” based on the 6FU episode The Liar and the Whore.
HER: Hey, do you believe in soul mates? It's a Six Feet Under thing. I'm thinking about writing about soul mates. Rabbi Ari is discussing soul mates with Nate.
HIM: I used to believe in that stuff, but as I get older, I don't. I think it's what young, idealistic lovers tell one another--
HER: --I'm watching the episode where the guy accidentally chokes while masturbating--
HIM: --Well... here's what I mean--
HER: --Then, what do you believe in--
HIM: I hear men/women use the excuse "I think it's meant to be" whenever there's a hiccup or break-up in a relationship. Using the "meant to be" argument or "she's my soul mate" argument just sounds to me the same way Christianity would sound to you. Does that make sense? I would've argued that my ex was my Soul Mate years ago, and nothing you can tell me would change it. But I know that's not the case. At all. But, our friendship was deep, but sex ruined it, unfortunately. Or, something. Who knows, really?
HER: I'm not sure, but I think I get what you are saying.
HIM: It's a fairy tale. That's all.
HER: I think that's the problem. I believe in soul mates, but I don't believe in it as a romantic notion.
HIM: Women were raised to believe in fairy tales. And men, who have been emasculated over the past 20 years, are now using--and believing--the same verbiage. And the fact is, ANY relationship needs work. Fairy tales don't exist.
HER: Yes, but only certain relationships encourage the people to grow as individuals.
HIM: I would hope that people grow as an individual whether they were in a relationship or not. Which sounds oxymoronic.
HER: Some people do not grow as people in relationships. And, some relationships do not encourage growth.
HIM: Unfortunately, a lot of people don't. And, when those people who don’t want to change and grow meet each other that's where the "Soul Mate" argument falls apart. To a degree.
HER: I think people think all growth feels good. Some growth is painful.
HIM: Yeah. It is. Growth can be moving on from a relationship--friend or lover--or the loss of a loved one. That can be extremely painful.
HER: I do believe there are people who are just karmically in tune, but there is a choice to the mate factor. The problem is when part of it doesn't work out.
HIM: Correct.
HER: It's a lot of alchemy.
HIM: And common sense. And communication.
HER: Yes, but even deeper.
HIM: True, but I think you have to have those things for it to GO deeper--
HER: --I think there is great potential for love that is blinded by biology and physical attraction--
HIM: --In my experience, that is. But, you have to have physical attraction for love to be taken to the next level. Perhaps you're speaking more on a friend/confidante level, but I'm meaning romance. Which is where I believe the fairy tale has ruined a lot of it. And the more general term of "Soul Mate."
HER: No, I'm speaking beyond friendship, but not of romantic love. I believe that is where the mistakes are made. There is something else. And, it has nothing to do with romance.
HIM: I get it, but the term Soul Mate is generally thought of--by the Hoi Polloi--in romantic terms.
HER: It has to do with longevity.
HIM: Perhaps this is what you blog about?This is a good discussion that you could post.
HER: I think that is where I'm going to go...yes.
HIM: You should.
HER: That's why I asked...
HIM: Me? I'm not really a soul mate person. You click or you don't. Pretty simple.
HER: I guess...
(Long pause)
HIM: I still wonder if in my last relationship I did it wrong. But, her later actions made me realize I was correct to be cautious.
HER: You probably weren't perfect, but you were not to blame for what happened. You loved her and you didn't cheat on her. You did the best you could with the knowledge and experience you had at the time. And, you loved her. All of that is admirable.
HIM: No, I didn't. And yes, I did. I didn't tell her, mostly because she was separated and still married ...I was scared of that. Guess I had every right to be.
HER: Wow... I had no idea, but I get it.
Well, my foot tastes like shit.
(Pause) I still hate that she hurt you, but I still see so much love in you, and for that I'm grateful as your friend...that she didn't completely destroy you.
HIM: No, I never got into details. She also couldn't take my honesty.
HER: Most people can't take honesty.
HIM: When I tried to talk to her as my girlfriend and confidante, she didn't like it. I've told you about that. She later brought it up by telling me I was a "sad person.” But, she was right. I was sad. Totally unfulfilled in my life.
HER: Yeah, how she made you feel bad for being vulnerable.
HIM: Exactly.
HER: I never forgot it because it broke my heart.
HIM: She, of all people, I thought I could trust.
HER: Because to me that is the definition of love. Being able to be vulnerable in front of someone. I get a sense she needed you to be "the strong silent type."
HIM: Perhaps. I dunno... who knows?
HER: And, if that is what she wants she will never be happy.She's creating herself.
HIM: I hope she's grown up some. For her own sake.
HER: You, however, knew her before she created who she is now.
HIM: True.
HER: And, that would suck for you.
HIM: Who knows where her head is these days?
HER: I imagine it makes you question what was ever real about her.
HIM: It makes me question a lot of things. About her and myself.
HER: I get it. It fucks with your sense of knowing.
HIM: Correct.
HER: Which is a very personal thing.
HIM: I don't want to ruin a future relationship because of one bad experience from the past.
HER: You are too smart to do that.
HIM: Well, define smart?
HER: You learn from your mistakes and the mistakes of others. Hell, you LEARN.
HIM: Let me put it this way: What, exactly, was I supposed to learn from that experience?
(Pause)
There's numerous answers, but I don't know the correct one.
HER: Maybe all those answers are the correct answer.
(Pause)
Hell, you learned how strong you are. You learned who your true friends are.
HIM: I even made new ones, yes. People who I thought were friends abandoned me while new people supported me.
HER: Exactly. (Pause)
You learned about your own honesty. You learned what was important... You learned a lot. You learned you are not alone.
HIM: I get the bigger picture, yes. And that's important. But does one allow themselves to be vulnerable the next time, or to play your cards--smartly--close to the chest?
HER: You just do what you do.
HIM: And that's what scares me.
HER: Never play your cards too close to your chest. And, don't be scared.
HIM: Scared is the wrong term, but you know what I mean.
HER: Yeah, I know what you mean. Don’t be whatever you mean.
HIM: (He laughs) Right.
HER: You just have to figure out what you want.
HIM: True
HER: I honestly believe that is all you need to do. You are more open to love than you realize. And, you are very loved. You know you don't want another woman like your ex, but beyond that you are unclear on what you want.
HIM: Three times a week by VARIOUS BITCHES! YEAH! (Pause)
Ahem....
HER: (Long pause...she laughs) Yes, and that's great.
HIM: I don't wish my ex on anyone. Even to this day, though... it's still very hard to trash her.
HER: Yes, because you have a huge and loving heart. Besides, you don't need to. You have a harem of bitches who love you that will trash her for you.
(Pause) Hell, at this point I'm not sure what I'd do if I met your ex.
HIM: Right. It's why I never wanted to meet your ex.
HER: Actually, I think I'd be kind to her and tell her how absolutely amazing you are and how happy you are.
HIM: I'm sure it'll happen one day--I’ll run into her.
HER: Her inability to be true to herself will fuck her world up more than I ever could. Karma will get her. And, after karma is done with her I’ll eat her for lunch.
(Long pause)
HIM: I know you would...Thanks for listening.
HER: I would eat her for lunch, you know?
HIM: I know.
For those who are really listening and with me. Thank you...
